The Cyclist’s Disclaimer

February 19, 2010

Photo by James Broadway.  BTW, congratulations to James for having a new baby girl this week!

Cyclist are a peculiar bunch.  We can’t let a ride just be a ride. It’s impossible for any of us to admit that a bad day on the bike is due to anything but external circumstance that we have not control over.  We all do it.  At the beginning of a ride we lay out at least one disclaimer of why we’re not going so well.  If it weren’t for this disclaimer you’d be inflicting all sorts of pain on the rest of your mates, so they should consider themselves lucky.

It’s not PRO to rock up and announce to everyone “I’m on fire guys, watch out!”.   It’s all about lowering expectations.  This way if you pull a magical ride out of your ass you’ll look like superstar.  “Just imagine how I would have smashed it if I was on form!” you can say.   However, if you really do ride as pathetically as you said you were going to, then you’ve already laid that on the table.  You can’t lose.

Here are the top 13 disclaimers that I hear (and give) on a regular basis:

  1. “I’m coming back from a stomach virus” (every PRO is always getting over a stomach virus)
  2. “I haven’t ridden my bike in weeks”
  3. “I’ve ridden 1000km in the past week!”
  4. “I can’t get my heartrate up so I’m gonna take it easy”
  5. “My position feels strange today.  I couldn’t generate my usual wattage”
  6. “I’m over my racing weight”
  7. “I’m on a recovery ride”
  8. “I’m creeping”
  9. “I didn’t eat breakfast”
  10. “I ate too much breakfast”
  11. “I didn’t have my morning coffee yet”  (my personal favorite)
  12. “I’m on my heavy training bike today”
  13. “I’m so hungover. I was out until 4am partying but I was still able to meet up this morning”

Last night I raced and used the good ol’ “I’ve got a stitch” excuse.  Worked like a charm when I mucked up the sprint.  ;-)

I leave you with a video that was sent to me last night that will surely inspire you to get out on the bike this weekend:

Have a great weekend, ride hard and ride safe.

  • MtbSkillsCoachPat
    Note 1min 16sec:
    Good cornering pedal technique x 2. Room for improvement x 1. Spot the difference ;-)
  • Crowie
    How come they get to ride 3-abreast against oncoming traffic lanes in SWEDEN anyway?
  • lsdsnr
    Didn't want to go into the red today as I've got a big race on the weekend.

    I've already ready ridden a sub 4min time so i'll just roll the legs over today.

    Today is a SE day not high cadence, so that's why I was slower over the hills.
  • MatthewM
    I'm just getting into this road bike thing but here are my usual mountain bike ones for lowering peoples expectations of my performance.

    1. This course it too tight and slow for my bike setup, I prefer fast open tracks.
    2. This course is too flat, I'm better suited to longer steeper climbs.
    2. This course it too technical for me, I'm better suited to more free flowing tracks.

    I use these on... er pretty much every MTB ride / race I do.
    No matter what the course I'll make some excuse fit :P
  • martyg82
    How about - "I blew up bigtime, you guys smashed me today!" Actually, nah! Disregard comment.
  • In response to the usual lame excuses, that Blackadder classic: "Yeah, and I've splintered my pancreas"
  • I have just been reading Bicyling Australia and it reminded me to blatently plug http://www.thewifeofacyclist.blogspot.com/
    Em writes for BA. Page 36 in this edition. I am sure it will be quite relevent to alot you!
  • some1s_lucky
    NICE! This is a great read, although I don't want my GF to read it because it will just add more fuel to the fire!
  • Jono_L
    I'm just getting over a fractured pelvis...

    Used that one a couple of times!
  • 19. Can you check my rear wheel? It feels like it's rubbing on something.
    I've used this one a lot, including in races. I've actually had competing riders slot in behind me to inspect and make sure it's ok. Slowed the bunch up for 30 seconds so I could catch my breath!
  • GFCdomestique
    You looked good in that break last night CT. what happened????
    Had my first B grade ride last night. On my way to your wheel.
  • Mr Bailey
    Wednesday night MTB ride I tried "my legs are tired from last night's crit" and that got no sympathy. Instead they picked the pace up. I should have known better. :(

    Then near home my rear shock blows. Double :(

    I could have used that as an unbeatable excuse!
  • AaronU
    My chain keeps falling off. There's something wrong with my bike. I'm going to take it easy today...

    Damn that filmer and the tilt shift lens! WANT! NEED!
  • Phill
    Here's some more tilt-shift madness for you, not cycling related but amusing! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl-sNoXgXjc
  • "big night at the track last night - heavy legs. Go easy today"
  • babs
    Whenever I get dropped, I got a flat, or split at the lights, or both.
  • toneredd
    I have been training all week with C.T. and you know whats that is like?
  • toneredd
    I am almost 50 , and I did not want to make you guys look bad.
  • kylieonwheels
    Ooh I can adapt that...I'm a girl, it's not good for your image if I'm smashing you every week
  • Chris
    is there another link to video, i can't access from my computer, sounds very funny from comments.
  • Hey Chris,

    The external link to the video is this: http://vimeo.com/8988651

    Cheers
    ::W
  • LanternRouge
    The sound clip is not too bad - does anybody know who it's by? Reminds me a bit of The Temper Trap's music...
  • martyg82
    Sounds a bit like Sigur Ros... They are from Iceland too - a bit closer to Sweden than Melbourne's Temper Trap... Their album 'Takk' is great. Even if it isn't them on the soundtrack, you've just discovered a great new band!
  • Slh
    17. I think I've got a slow leak
    18. my derailleur isn't shifting well.
  • Jason
    Love it, I now have it down to a fine art bouncing up and down in the saddle looking down at the backwheel in disgust say 'ahh, slow leak, will catch youse up'. I even convince myself sometimes....
  • ScottAHamilton
    Had me laughing out loud. Nice Friday relief.

    16. I haven't shaved my legs (a nice response when someone comes out with one of the other excuses)
  • Jamie
    Video looks like it was shot along the Columbia Gorge in Oregon between Hood River and The Dalles. Great riding out that way.
  • haitch
    I loved the advice on looking PRO I read somewhere (maybe in the comments here!) that suggested "if you don't look good and are slow, you're slow, but if you look PRO and are slow, you are coming back from injury"!
  • 16. I recently had an accident

    (Umm... I'm actually being serious. I hit a car last night riding home on Canning St. Yes, that was me everyone who road past. The guy whose car I hit was fantastic, the guy who caused the accident but not giving way and then driving off - w@nker!)
  • Trevor
    I only have one excuse: too many bongs last night.
  • All that Video needed was a shot of IKEA and I reckon we'd have the best of Sweedish brands all captured in one clip.
  • A longer ride would be to ditch the car and ride to the start.

    Excuses are like backsides. We've all got one and they all stink.

    Have a great weekend!
    *TC
  • What's your excuse for only riding as far as Adelaide from Melboure? Perth too far for ya?

    Great post today BTW: http://www.fyxomatosis.com/index.php?option=com...
  • Dilettante
    What Mr Hub said.

    Instead of riding, the vid makes me want to drive an SUV to some generic European location , then struggle to get my third bike off the roof after the camera has cut away.

    Standard Acceptable Conversation with unfamiliar cyclist after a few hard turns:
    A: Beautiful day.
    B: Yes, great to be out.
    A: Not at my best today.
    B: Me too. Nearly lost my breakfast back there.
  • kylieonwheels
    My thoughts exactly, Fyx and Dilettante. I was wondering about that 3rd bike too haha.
  • some1s_lucky
    Re photo: Is that a "bee in your bonnet" or are you just about to smack some sense into you head, legs, lungs for not getting you across the line first Jens Voigt style :)
  • I really have no idea how that photo is related to the post. Needed a photo though... ;-)
  • Tommy_P
    Bah, CT, you always knew I was going to smack you on Friday's morning MTB rides. No disclaimers, no excuses just pure smack-down. Then Brad came along...
  • JC
    It's funny how cyclists like to keep their cards close to their chests prior to a race. In contrast track athletes (runners - especially sprinters) and boxers pump up their own tyres at every opportunity prior to the event. Excuses flow thick and fast when they lose tho.
  • Good ole Self Handicapping: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-handicapping#...
    There'd be more bruised egos out there if cyclists didn't do it all the time. Plus, it serves for a good chuckle before a race.
  • JB
    15. I had a massage last night
  • mattlucas
    Never ever believe a Masters cyclist when he says that he is creeping. This will mean that he is actually peaking and about to rip your legs off in the sprint/climb/cross winds about to follow.
  • Maus
    One of the first things I learned when I started riding seriously is that cyclists are notorious sandbaggers. It's one of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten.
  • 14. "I feel shit today."

    (notice the bike swap in the video).
  • Max
    Ha! That reminds me of this funny YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rikLwIxRwEs

    I prepare my bike buddies for my lame performance by saying things like "I'm tired, let's go slow". I reckon it can only get better from there :D
  • Ha! So true. Hilarious!
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