What Would Jens Do?

June 21, 2010

Photo by Leigh Schilling – don’t forget to visit his photography exhibition at Cafe Racer this Wednesday, June 23.

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the Random Chuck Norris Facts.  It might be my obnoxious North American sense of humor, but I still LMAO when I read them.  Lately I’ve been seeing more and more random Jens Voigt Facts pop up in the same vein.  I’ve been collecting these for a while now and have a list to share with you.  If you never hear from me again it means that Jens has hunted me down, forced me to go for a ride with him, and dropped me so hard that it’s wiped me off the face of the Earth.

Some of these were sent to me and I have no idea where they came from. Credit has been given where possible.

Random Jens Voigt Facts

  • Jens no longer has a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it climbed into the Saxo Bank team car claiming a stomach ailment and retired. (from Big Ring Riding)
  • Jens’ big ring is 56. His rear cassettte is 11-11-11-11-11-11-11-11-11-12. (from Big Ring Riding)
  • Jens once challenged Lance Armstrong to see who had more testicles. Jens won by 5.  (sent in from SupermanSam)
  • Jens Voigt doesn’t get road rash, the road gets Jens Rash. (from Unholy Roleur)
  • When Jens Voigt rides off the front of a peloton, he’s not actually riding faster, he’s pulling the earth closer towards him. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens Voigt eats steak before every single ride.  Most times he forgets to kill the cow. (SupermanSam)
  • Once when Jens put the hammer down driving the peloton, some riders just dropped off the back, others had their entire existence wiped off the time-space continuum. (SupermanSam)
  • The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is JV (Jens Voigt’s initials). This is not a co-incidence. (SupermanSam)
  • If by some incredible space-time paradox Jens could ever race himself, he would win. (SupermanSam)
  • It is fact that the air within 30cm of Jens’ body remains at a constant 18 degrees C. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens is the permanent holder of the keys to the Pain Locker. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens doesn’t shiver unless it’s from a loss of blood.  Even then, he keeps on riding. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens Voigt can touch MC Hammer. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly and beat the mountain into submission.
  • Jens Voigt once rode so fast he traveled back in time to 1987, and shot Greg LeMond because he’s tired of listening to the guy whine all the time. (from Unholy Roleur)
  • E=MC2, pain= Jens Voigt
  • SaxoBank mechanics removed the brake calipers from all of Jens Voigt’s bikes when it was discovered that nothing can slow him down. (from Unholy Roleur)
  • Jens: noun, verb, adjective, adverb.   (from Unholy Roleur)




Tagged as: jens voigt

  • Xponti

    And now for the Android and iPhone app…..

  • TarikHartley

    “If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.”
    http://texastailwind.wordpress.com/2008/06/02/l...

  • http://twitter.com/flogoessmann Florian Goessmann

    Also notice from the above photo that Jens, in contrast to his teammate, doesn't use a power meter. Probably because there is none that can measure power up to Jens!.

  • ZC

    does Jens even have a speedo?

  • http://www.cyclingTipsBlog.com cyclingTips

    Another excellent list!

    Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.

    Waldo can’t be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride… on K2.

    Jens doesn’t spin or mash the pedals… he kicks them into submission.

    Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”

    Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.

    If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball, Fred.”

    Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.

    Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.

    Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960?s, where he became a great champion.

    Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass.

    Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.

    If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.

    If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.

    Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.

    Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.

    Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.

    When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.

    You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men’s souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering.

    Jens Voigt believes it’s not butter.

    Jens Voigt can eat just one.

    The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked.

    Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.

    Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.

    Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.

    Jens’s tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries.

    Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself.

    Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.

    The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it’s white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed.

  • http://www.BrandWorld.com.au/ Priestie

    A french reporter asked Jens if he was the Terminator when sparks flew from his face after the TdF '09 crash.

  • SupermanSam

    Super Domestique, stand up comedian, ladies' man…Jen has it all.

    As he says to this blonde reporter, “don't say Jens f#ck..ok?”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZv4REF99Sg&feat...

  • DGE

    Jens started with a speedo and power meter but his power melted them off the bike.

  • Andrew_J

    Sitting at home in Richmond, I was gunna use the fact the gunman is still on the loose as an excuse not to train this arvo. Now I know how the other Pro's feel when Jens is on the loose.

  • crossy

    Jens is so hard, one drop of his sweat (delivered nasally) http://amiaustralia.rtrk.com.au/?scid=46607&kw=... is enought to cure 1000 men of erectile disfunction

  • JC

    When Jens goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the ocean gets Jensed

  • teka_shogun

    Jens' legs are hairless because hair can't grow on steel.

    Only Jens has broken the super sonic pain barrier. (and can do it whenever he chooses)

    The only time Chuck Norris has ever felt pain was when he tried to hold Jens wheel.

    Jens doesn't sleep, he just drinks more coffee.

    The only thing that can stay ahead of Jens's rear wheel is his front one.

    Jens has to ride with bad form otherwise he would break the laws of physics and go faster than the speed of light.

    Jens isn't funny but everyone laughs because they are scared if they don't he will bring the pain.

    The tectonic plates shift because Jens rides so fast.

    You have to take morphine if you just want to watch Jens ride.

    Jens trains all the trainers.

  • Patrick

    Jens was the only person who could still fly when Eyjafjallajökull erupted.

  • some1s_lucky

    UFC is considering changing their name to JENS because they know there is no one harder!

    Jens doesn't drink instant coffee, he drinks instant cement!

    HTFU is Jens middle name

  • gm

    one of my fav voightenisms http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WfD7lYkKqA

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mike-Hayward/628478021 Mike Hayward

    father of 5 as well!!

    that is going to be some tough kids!

  • Yossarian_Lives

    Some great Jens-isms in this quote : “I get paid to make people suffer”, “you get that little taste of blood”.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UncELpyKQLU&feat...

  • drStu

    An idea for another T-Shirt series Wade? Front “WWJD” Back (small print) “What Would Jens Do?

  • Craig

    Jens isn't as hard as nails, nails are as hard as Jens.
    Jens doesn't get saddle sores, his saddles get sores.
    Jens and superman are the same person. Actually they can't be superman has one weakness.

  • Xponti

    Scientists in Europe have discovered a new substance that is harder and more durable than concrete. They have called it Jenscrete.

  • crossy

    Jens is so hard he bends light

  • crossy

    When the Terminator said “I'll be back”, what he actually meant was: “I'll be back, … after Jens leaves”

  • Frank

    The Laws of Physics do not apply to Jens Voigt.

  • Ratty

    Jens does not feel pain. Pain feels Jens.

  • Ratty

    Jens once got hit by a truck whilst out riding. It has been reported that the driver may never walk again.

  • Chadwick

    Jens created the mountains so that he might actually have some competition.

  • PhinxRizing

    The only documented case of true internal combustion was when another rider tried doping with Jens’ blood

  • http://www.incidentalcyclist.com/2010/07/15/what-would-jens-do-2/ The Incidental Cyclist · What would Jens do?

    [...] What Would Jens Do? [...]

  • http://www.cyclingtipsblog.com/2010/07/what-would-jens-do-2/ What Would Jens Do?

    [...] More Random Jens Voigt Facts here. [...]

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